oh,what a brilliant idea

bring a blanket that is drenched in your scent and LEAVE IT AT MY HOUSE

and while you're here,watch me when you think i'm not looking

and sit REAL CLOSE

oh,but don't stop there

innocently brush against me

and don't leave when you say you're going to

instead,hang around for just a few more minutes

acting like leaving is the last thing you ever want to do

yes

you are a genius

a mastermind

and you may have just won

can i just say how much i love this boy?

he is my sunshine.

he will love me unconditionally for all of our time together.

he will never judge me.

he will never mock me.

he will teach me patience and kindness.

phinney,you are the love of my life.

i do not like this

i don't like feeling like this

i like a boy and i just don't know how he feels

and that is frustrating beyond belief

ridiculous

i am learning about patience.

and i don't like it.

stupid girl.

stupid boy.

i have not received a single text from a certain boy today

and i HATE that it bothers me

waiting

watching

waiting

watching

hoping

watching

hoping

waiting

it's strange that something i was so against

so afraid of

is now something i can't wait for

something i am anxious for

i'm not sure if i like that

am i truly ready to face that?

am i ready for the heartache that is bound to happen?

sometimes i don't like this whole...human emotion thing.

it kind of stinks.

i am so angry with myself for falling for this

for actually believing that a boy could actually like me

this is all a lie

boys do not fall for me

boys do not think of me as anything more than a friend

and i was okay with that,dammit!

and now here i am,SO ANGRY that i didn't get ONE single text from a boy who doesn't give a shit

i can't pretend to be happy about that any longer

i can't wait for him to move away

it's pathetic how self deprecating i am

mayday

mayday

mayday

....

...

..

.

*kaboom*

shit.

well,this isn't what i wanted to happen.

not at all.

i continue to ask myself "would it be so bad,really?"

and every time i ask,i feel my resolve wavering.

oh....shoot....

when am i going to learn that it always ends badly when you keep your feelings locked up?

what is wrong with me that i can't just say

"maybe i like you"?

and yes!

it would be so bad.

it would.

deep breaths...

everything's gonna be all right.

i think i'm in trouble.

*sigh*

i have to remind myself

it means nothing

and i can't "fall in love with every man who shows me the least bit of attention"

i don't even know if that's right.

shoot.

i wish i could go back to five years ago and tell myself that i was good at writing,and that i needed to continue,no matter what.

because five years ago,i wrote

"i wish i could put words together to sound BETTER

i SUCK"

i had no idea that i would someday be stuck in a state of uninspired writing and half formed ideas.

help.

i'm watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

and there's this line by jim carrey's character,joel -

"why do i fall in love with every woman i see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

i relate to that line.

why do i fall in love with every man i see who shows me the least bit of attention?

i'm going to get back to my movie now.

*sigh*

uuuuggghhhhhhhhhhh.

dear me,

get over it.

sincerely,me.

ps.stop that other thing.it's a waste of time.

i like this boy.

*sigh*

sometimes i forget how douchey boys are.

i bought the mysterious benedict society and the prisoners dilemma on sunday.

it's the third book in the series.

so far it's kind of slow,but i know it'll pick up.

i love it.

these books have whispers of the lemony snicket books,shadows of harry potter,but they honestly stand on their own.

the characters are unique and the plot is gripping.

in other news...

"If life had background music playing your song
I have got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang
Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change"

woah.

i really love anberlin.

aside from their incredible stage presence,they've got FANTASTIC lyrics.

"Give me time to prove

Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go"

WOWOWOWOWOW.

i'm so in love with this song.

i'm so in love with this band.

i have the emotional range of a teaspoon,ron weasley and i are meant to be

a lot of things can be "scary"

bugs,thugs,dark or a dog's bark

some people are scared of death

some people are afraid of a test

me?i'm scared of LOVE

nail-biting,tear-dropping,knee-knocking

terrified of love

could someone love me?

flawed,imperfect me?

how can i tell if it's real

how do i know what he feels

i don't

i guess love is just one of those things

close your eyes,hold your breath...

trust your feelings

on august 14 (not positive of the year),at 4pm,i wrote:

i hate when men swagger.

i lol.

ALSO I FOUND THE CHILDREN'S BOOK I WROTE MY SENIOR YEAR.

man,i was rad.

i wish i could be forced to write every day like i was in my creative writing class.

i need challenges.

i thrive on challenges.

it would seem that i have lost something very important to me

something that was second nature to me

something that i thought i'd never lose

i am no longer filled with a desire to write anymore

it used to be that writing was like drinking water

i couldn't go a day without doing it

but i have lost that desire,that need

and i don't know what to do now.

there was something about the beatles...something spectacular.not just musically,though...i really dug their style.i watched a hard day's night the other day,and it got me thinking.

WHY DON'T BOYS DRESS LIKE THIS ANYMORE?

i mean,here are some clean-cut,classy dudes.and let's be honest...white button downs and black ties NEVER go out of style.

i don't understand why it's considered "hot" to wear clothes two sizes too big these days.it just doesn't compute with me.

do girls really,honestly find that attractive?

like,"hey,i dig the way your pants are falling down around your knees,LET'S MAKE BABIES"

style for ladies (haha,ladies) was much better then,also...clevage was under control,skirts weren't too short...classy.

(on a side note,i wonder who the first woman was to hike her skirt up above her knees...and what sort of commotion that caused)

mayhaps i'm old fashioned,but this is what gets me.

zz top was right...

every girl is crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man

sometimes i like people.

a lot of the time,i don't...

but lately...

people are nice.

and i like it.

pretty lame poetry if you ask me

i'd never say this to your face

but here it is

beneath this anger

beneath this indifference

is hurt.

you walked

you went off on your own

and proved that being away was better than being here

you love it there

you hate it here

and honestly

if i'm being honest

in my opinion

in my eyes

you cut ties

when you told me that there was complete

because of a grocery store

in my opinion

in my eyes

you cut ties

when you spent your time here

thinking of them

thinking of there

talking to them

talking of there

in my opinion

in my eyes

you cut ties

and i did nothing to stop it

a cord of three strands is not quickly broken

but we were frayed for a while

and i'm not so sorry anymore

ow.

it's not so much that you're slipping away

it's more like you're running away

it's not like i'm holding on to you

it's more like i'm letting you go

this is a lot more painful than i could have imagined

it's weird

because my life was great before you came along

but now i can't imagine my life without you in it

it's been a pretty traumatic day

my sister called me at work in a panic,telling me that my bank account was severely overdrawn,due to two purchases (one from office max for $613,and one from dell bus. online for $253...neither of these were purchases i made)

so starts the drama

i called chase (my supposedly better bank)

the first woman i spoke to was extremely short with me,she snapped at me and did little to help the situation,other than cancel my debit card.

she then transferred me to a man in the claims department.

he spoke english as a second language and was also very rude.

he basically told me that he wouldn't do anything,since the transactions were pending.

on my lunch,i went with my mother to the actual bank.

the woman there was a bit more helpful - it turns out,i take care of her dogs.

when i got home,there was a message for me from office max,confirming my order.

i called back, was able to cancel the order,and she gave me more (and better) advice than any of the chase employees offered.

she referred me to the police, gave me her supervisor's name and direct line.

eff,i hate people.

on my way back to work from the bank,i did something i haven't done in at least six years...i held up my middle finger (to a billboard).

however...i love dogs.

this guy has been my buddy since he was four months old...his name is mischief.this took place after i went to the bank...he went on a wheelbarrow ride (so dang cute!) and then he just sort of chilled on my shoulder.

dogs are much better at life than people are. they don't muck up situations with poorly constructed sentences and lame attempts at comforting people. they just are. and that's enough. it's times like this i really miss having a dog. when i was thirteen and suffering my first heartbreak, she was the one i turned to. she was the one who walked out to the field with me and just sat while i wondered why people were so terrible. why my supposed best friend had done something so despicable.

people can't comfort the way dogs can. people can't sense emotion the way dogs can. people can't enjoy life the way dogs do.

*sigh*

don't bank with chase.

nostalgia

*sigh*

going through old journals,i notice a few things.

1. i don't write nearly as much anymore...this is sad.

2. "always" is not unconditional. "always" can change.

3. if someone who didn't know me at all stumbled across this,they might think that i led a terrible life. (wicked,some might say)

i quite like this:

it all makes sense now. when it's said that we should rejoice when persecuted for God - i understand now. by getting back up after we've been pushed down (for praising God), we're showing our bullies that we have a strength that surpasses theirs. we're instilling a fear, a wonderment in them. they will wonder what gives us hope when all seems lost. by showing them that we can take what they throw at us, we're showing them a bit of Christ. rejoicing throughout (before and after as well) persecution. rising above because of and for God.

i can't tell when it's something i've written, or it's something i'm quoting because i never labeled anything.

me. whitney anderson from nowheresville, washington. me - whitney anderson who can't focus on one thing to save her life.

i think i'll use that in a book someday.

i found a contract between me and two people i don't talk to anymore.

we were betting on when we'd get married.

i signed that i would not have kids.

i don't know anymore.

maybe sleep will stop the buzzing in my head.

i hate the way you say my name like it's something secret

i hate that your stupid laugh stays with me

i hate that your stupid breath lingers after you've gone

i hate that you show up in my dreams

i hate that you don't care

i hate that i care

how i look

how i sound

how you think of me

how you say my name

in other news...

things are good.

except for the above.

boys are douches.

i spoke about love

i spoke about being christlike

and i failed miserably

or am failing,currently

in other news,i really love my nephews.

the lo is walking around with his spongebob backpack on

ready to go home

a change of tone..?

i've been doing some thinking 

on myspace,it says i'm "christian" and i don't know if i like that label 

in my experience,the word "christian" has so many negative connotations 

i've met people who refuse to go to church because of the way some "christians" have behaved the whole, 'go to *my* church or go to hell' and the turn or burn spiel... it's ridiculous 

that's not what jesus was about 

jesus was about LOVE 

he was about loving anyone and everyone who came across his path,and even those who didn't 

he was a loving dude and to think that he hung on that cross and thought of me is just mind blowing 

he wasn't thinking,'that stupid whitney..she'll never get it right..dang her for bringing me here...sinner..i can't stand that kid.' 

he was thinking,'oh,my beautiful daughter,whitney.i love her so much.i'm doing this so she can know my father.i'm doing this so she can know freedom.'  

if i'm going to claim the title "christian",i'm going to have to change my attitude. 

because i haven't been very loving lately. i've been pretty rude,actually 

there's one person in particular 

he's kind of douchey 

but if i loved him the way i love my friends maybe he wouldn't be so douchey... 

because maybe douchey,like beauty,is in the eye of the beholder  

i don't know...this was all a bit more organized before i was sick... 

i think the point i'm trying to make is that christianity shouldn't be all old testament 'thou shalt not' and 'thou shall' 

because,i mean,christianity is about christ,am i right? 

and christ wasn't about condemning people or putting them down 

haha,dogma quote: 

"christ didn't come to earth to give us the willies.he came to help us out!he was a booster!" 

but srsly LOVE is the weapon

take a long walk off of the shortest pier you can find

eff your wedding invitation

do i really need an evening of feeling like the awkward thirteen year old that you always manage to remind me of?

do i really need another wedding to go to alone?

the chances of you thinking about what a loser i am are slim,but i don't really want to take the chance

i don't want to go

i don't want to feel like the ugly,awkward kid i always do when you and your family are around

i don't want a reminder that i will probably never have a wedding of my own,because who in their right mind would marry me?

the grammar in this post is awful,so i'm going to stop now.

no one is telling me the speed i should be traveling so watch me take the lead

i'm becoming a hermit

i'm going to be a spinster

a dog lady [because i don't like cats]

also

one of the favorite things i've ever written about someone is this:

"so i will chauffeur and do no more

i will take chances and you will take credit"

i'm sort of feeling like the second line a lot lately

i'm in this awkward process of finding out who i am [which probably should have happened a LONG time ago,seeing as how i turn 23 in 93 days[as moe pointed out today]]

but here i am,all awkward and still finding myself,learning new things about me,and here are these people...trying to be me

yes,yes.

imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

but i don't want flattery.

quit.

all of you.

tee hee

oh crap.

i don't think this is food poisoning i'm feeling.

could it be...butterflies?

no.

stop.

quit.

aw balls.

hey,america

i'm glad you're in good hands

i truly feel awful that you weren't treated very well these past eight years

but i believe that things will get better very soon

woot.

maybe next time-

-i'll remember not to tell you something stupid like,'i'll never leave your side'

pastor talked today about loving one another.loving our neighbors.

because what good is it to say,'i love God' when you can't stand the people you interact with?

the first and greatest commandment is to love the lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind.the second is like it:love your neighbor as yourself.

I DON'T DO THIS

this needs to change

like,woah

like,now

i saw this one coming,there's no use in running

i wish i had more adventures

i mean

i wish i had more to write about

because,honestly

'i went to work today'

or

'they quit making my sandwich at subway'

...not very interesting.

i'll be with you in your dreams

so this would be dream number...three? about him.

the first one,he asked me over to his house,and was incredibly upset when i told him i had to leave

the second one,he made a cameo...he was at my house,i introduced him to my parents

this one...we were dating,i watched him play with my nephews,we cuddled on the couch

this

needs

to

stop

like

now

srsly,it's getting old.

let the leaves fall off in the summer,let december glow in flames

i watched prince caspian today [for the fifteenth BILLION time]

and once again,i am just amazed

i love how there are some parts in the narnia series where you really have to look for the religious [for lack of a better word] metaphores,and there are some parts where it's so obvious what lewis was talking about.like in [i think] voyage of the dawn treader,when the lamb turns into aslan.

also,the fauns and the centaurs are bad-a.

if i were to be a mythical creature,i'd want to be a faun.