why do i feel like we've been here before?

it's the looking and the music and the texts.

should i be relieved that i haven't heard from you today?

or should i be a little sad?

i miss my best friend.

but i miss the other part,too.

and i shouldn't.

i don't know what your plan is

but i am laying bricks

building walls

checking for stability

because you're not getting in again

but,oh boy,do i miss you

overload

overload

system failure

system failure

system failure

i hate this feeling.

what's worse than feeling like this

is that i'm starting to feel like i don't care

i don't care if i did something to offend you

i don't care if you just suddenly decided you don't want to talk

you don't want to be around

"go on,sit where ever you want to,i don't really cay-ur"

(man,i miss zoombinis)

the point i'm trying to make is this:

i don't know what i did

i don't know what i said

but

i

don't

care

be mad at me, give me the silent treatment

and act high and mighty

you're being kind of stupid

ah,so am i.

ashland sounds great right about now.

things feel weird right now.

and i don't know what to do about it.

things are weird at work

things are weird with the roommate

and things are weird because i don't have either of my best friends.

one of them left for the marines and a stupid girl

and one of them disappeared from my life...and for what?

i don't know.

"someone call the doctor,i'm not making any sense"

sometimes my imaginary life is better than reality.

sometimes my imaginary self is better than reality.

i'm a little scared.

i let you back into my life,despite the alarm going off in my head.

and now i'm sitting here,over analyzing EVERYTHING....again.

that song you sent me?

why that song?

why not ANY of the other songs by that band?

i'm feeling like you might actually regret walking away.

ha,right.

stupid girl.

you made it very clear.

we will never be together.

and guess what?

i'm gonna be okay with that.

honestly,if i'm being honest.

you're not good for me.

no matter how much i wanted you to be.

you just aren't.

someday i will find someone who is spectacular

and wonderful

and doesn't run because he's a scared little boy.

because that's what you are.

a scared little boy.

i will find someone much more mature.

someone who values me for me.

someone who doesn't want what i'm not willing to part with.

someone who's worth my time and who doesn't drunk text me.

someone who's not you.

letdown

all i can do is try

i can reach out

i can be an ear

a shoulder

a friend

but i will not overstep my boundaries

and it will be up to you to make the next move

why am i surprised,honestly?

the pattern repeats.

In the glory of your presence

I find rest for my soul

In the depths of Your love

I find peace makes me whole

I love, I love, I love Your presence

I love, I love, I love Your presence

I love, I love, I love You Jesus

I love, I love, I love Your presence

I have recently realized (alliteration,what!) that the ocean is a spectacular physical representation of God. I both fear and love the ocean, I both fear and love God. The ocean is bigger than I, more powerful than I. God is bigger than I, more powerful than I. I am in awe of the ocean's awesomeness, I am in awe of God's awesomeness. I am amazed by the ocean, I am amazed by God. I desire to be closer to the ocean, just as I desire to be closer to God.

Yes, there are a LOT of things the ocean can't do that God can.

But I feel PEACE when I'm in the presence of the ocean. The ocean is my biggest (literally) muse. The ocean is where I feel at home.

It amazes me that something so powerful and potentially violent can bring such peace to me.

I think I should go there soon.

i'm currently reading hotel on the corner of bitter and sweet
and it makes me want to write more
sometimes i get in these phases where i'll be super inspired, but am not in a time or place to write anything down
by the time i am ready to write, inspiration is gone
ideas, lost
i need to set a goal for myself
i need to give myself set time to write
set time to be inspired
if that means going for a walk with a notebook
then that is what i shall do
if only my schedule wasn't so hectic and unpredictable

i just wanna spend the rest of my life with books and movies and books and music and books and books and books.

i have a whole lot of growing up to do yet.

we're back to "why do i fall in love with every [man] who shows me the least bit of attention?"

we're okay,though.

come tomorrow,this will all be done and over with.

silly me.

everything is okay.

i am a train wreck,you're the conductor

i hope that you love her,i hope that you fucked her

i wrote this ages ago,and i don't know if i should be excited that i'm finally in a situation where this is relevant,or if i should be utterly depressed that it's actually been proven that i am not good enough.

EVEN THOUGH YOU TOLD ME OTHERWISE.

the truth is that this is a good thing.

it's weird,when you kissed me for the first time,i remember thinking "i'm gonna have to break up with him someday."

i knew that we weren't going to last.

i just didn't know that we weren't going to happen.

i just didn't know that you'd decide to do with someone else what you said you couldn't with me.

and i definitely didn't know that it would happen so fast.

oh well,mayhaps you'll finally get laid.

you certainly weren't going to get it from me.

here's the problem

before you,i was fine

i was great

and then you came along

and you were like,"oh hey,i like you a lot"

and i was like,"wow,that's great!i like you too!"

yay!

but then you tried to be noble and self sacrificing

so i opened my mouth

my stupid,stupid mouth

and you ran away with your metaphorical tail between your legs

wanna know the best part?

the best part is that while all of this was blowing up via text...

the only person i wanted to call

the only person i wanted to talk to

was you

fantastic,right?

not only did you make me fall for you

but you made it so that i turned to you for advice

that i counted on you for friendship

and then you disappeared.

i find you in every song about relationships

break ups

the most recent?

distant lands - mc chris

hey there,delilah - plain white t's

i never told you - colbie caillat

yeah,mc chris.imagine my anger when i heard that song.

it's weird not talking to you

i miss you

but i won't tell you that

i won't tell anyone that

because that's what i do

keep it in

keep it quiet

head down

heart locked

we'll see what happens in the next couple of weeks,won't we?

"one day, you will wake up with nothing but your 'sorries'

some day, you will get back everything you gave me"

paranoia sets in.

i'm painting a picture of you

i'm painting you as much more horrible than you really are

i'm painting you as someone of little importance

i'm a terrible painter.

even in my mind.

i told you i wasn't angry with you

but i think i might have lied

because,when i think about it

you are a horrible person

you knew you didn't want a relationship

yet you pursued me

yet you kissed me

you said things to me

things that i thought i would never hear

things that i thought people didn't think about me

too much thinking,methinks

my apologies

you did all of this knowing you wouldn't want to be in a relationship

and let's just be honest

i hope my roommate is right

i hope you come home for the summer and regret everything you said

i hope you regret hurting me

because i don't want to be with you

[anymore]

but let's be honest

i'd probably let you do it all again

why?

because i'm not a very strong girl

i'm not a very smart girl

and i'll fall for your stupid boy words

all over again

even knowing that you'll do it again

+44 - "the past is only the future with the lights on"

yeah,you'll hurt me again

and i'll let you

...if we're being honest.

i'm writing and re-writing messages to you

i'm telling you over and over and over how much i miss you

how much i hate not having you in my life

how much i hate just not being in touch with you

but i feel like i might just keep it this way

not because i'm a masochist

but because mayhaps things will be better without you

once i get past this hurt

my life will go back to what it was before

who cares if that makes me a coward

i think i can handle being alone

i will handle being alone

and mayhaps someday someone will come along and i'll let it happen

and mayhaps things will go horribly,horribly wrong

or mayhaps they won't

or mayhaps i'm being dramatic.

either way...

i don't want to feel like this anymore.

i am in hawaii

i am on vacation

beautiful beaches

warm,blue,ocean water

and plenty of amazing things to do

and yet, as i'm doing all of these incredible,new things

all i can think about is how much i miss you

and how much i want to be sharing these things with you

you're the first person i think of when i see a new thing

when i try a new food

when something hilarious happens to me

but i am so hurt

so deeply hurt by your actions,your words

or your lack of action

your lack of words

i insinuated that i would not have you in my life anymore

but i don't want you to be out of my life

i can't imagine my life without you

and if we can't be together

i guess,i suppose

i will learn to be content with being "just a friend"

even if it kills me

...and it just might.

your mind is made up.

and your choice really hurts.

i'm sorry you're such a pussy.

but i've learned a lesson.

and i won't let anyone in ever again.

my self esteem is at an all time low,

and i have you to thank for that.

well done,ass.

back

and

forth

back

and

forth

it would be nice if you made up your mind.

i can't help but put myself into the future.

i can't help but put you into my future.

and that scares me.

terrifies me.

distance is a good thing at this point.

but the summer is approaching.

in just over a month,you will be here.

and i will be here.

and i fear that things will move so fast that it will ruin us.

ruin me.

i am going to do my best to slow my thoughts.

stop my thoughts.

and just take this one day at a time.

even if i don't hear from you for a day or two.

okay,okay.

i was wrong.

things are wonderful.

things are beautiful.

i am happy.

ecstatic.

*swoon*

the boy likes me.

i like the boy.

wonderful.

amazing.

spectacular.

splendid.

*swoon*

self deprecating,nothing new.

i recognize that the series of events tonight started with something i said. i realize that it was my words that set things into motion that could potentially ruin a friendship or two.and i am so angry with myself.

stupid girl.

stupid mouth.

stupid stupid stupid.

i'd like to drive far away this weekend and not come back.

but that would accomplish nothing.

running away won't solve anything.

i should just keep working until i die.

work every day.

because i can do that.

i can handle that.

being alone?

nah.

i've got a dog.

that'll suffice.

*facepalm* (and not the ironic type)

i'm not excited for this weekend.

i'm sitting at home,alone,listening to taylor swift songs and half heartedly wishing i was drunk.

i wish i didn't care.

i wish that i could just move on and get over it.

but i do care.

i can't move on.

"that's what you get when you let your heart win"

ffffffffuuuuuuuuuu-

i'm not sure this is how i'm supposed to feel.

i'm not sure that driving so long and so far is something i can do.

i don't know what to do.

let's see what happens next month,shall we?

before i say anything i don't mean.

before i say something i'll regret.

*sigh*

it's not so far off now,is it?

big smile.so much happiness in my heart.

cold toes.

doesn't matter.

so happy.

*sigh*

what a weekend.

oh my.

i'm not sure what to think.

all i know is that i can't stop smiling.

let's see where this weekend takes us.

my,how things have changed.

i don't know why i'm surprised.

this is the way it always goes.

someone swoops in and makes me feel special.

and then they leave.

and on the off chance that they actually come back.

nothing's the same.

in conclusion...

boys are assholes.

except for this one.

he'll always be there.

*sigh*

that is all.

today, a boy that i like came over one last time before he leaves for college. we played super mario bros 3 (which isn't anything new,as we do that every time we hang out). this time, i excitedly asked if we could build a fort. much to my surprise, he agreed. fort built, we continued playing the game. we're almost 24 years old. my life is (nay average) amazing.