why do i feel like we've been here before?

it's the looking and the music and the texts.

should i be relieved that i haven't heard from you today?

or should i be a little sad?

i miss my best friend.

but i miss the other part,too.

and i shouldn't.

i don't know what your plan is

but i am laying bricks

building walls

checking for stability

because you're not getting in again

but,oh boy,do i miss you

overload

overload

system failure

system failure

system failure

i hate this feeling.

what's worse than feeling like this

is that i'm starting to feel like i don't care

i don't care if i did something to offend you

i don't care if you just suddenly decided you don't want to talk

you don't want to be around

"go on,sit where ever you want to,i don't really cay-ur"

(man,i miss zoombinis)

the point i'm trying to make is this:

i don't know what i did

i don't know what i said

but

i

don't

care

be mad at me, give me the silent treatment

and act high and mighty

you're being kind of stupid

ah,so am i.

ashland sounds great right about now.

things feel weird right now.

and i don't know what to do about it.

things are weird at work

things are weird with the roommate

and things are weird because i don't have either of my best friends.

one of them left for the marines and a stupid girl

and one of them disappeared from my life...and for what?

i don't know.

"someone call the doctor,i'm not making any sense"

sometimes my imaginary life is better than reality.

sometimes my imaginary self is better than reality.

i'm a little scared.

i let you back into my life,despite the alarm going off in my head.

and now i'm sitting here,over analyzing EVERYTHING....again.

that song you sent me?

why that song?

why not ANY of the other songs by that band?

i'm feeling like you might actually regret walking away.

ha,right.

stupid girl.

you made it very clear.

we will never be together.

and guess what?

i'm gonna be okay with that.

honestly,if i'm being honest.

you're not good for me.

no matter how much i wanted you to be.

you just aren't.

someday i will find someone who is spectacular

and wonderful

and doesn't run because he's a scared little boy.

because that's what you are.

a scared little boy.

i will find someone much more mature.

someone who values me for me.

someone who doesn't want what i'm not willing to part with.

someone who's worth my time and who doesn't drunk text me.

someone who's not you.

letdown

all i can do is try

i can reach out

i can be an ear

a shoulder

a friend

but i will not overstep my boundaries

and it will be up to you to make the next move

why am i surprised,honestly?

the pattern repeats.

In the glory of your presence

I find rest for my soul

In the depths of Your love

I find peace makes me whole

I love, I love, I love Your presence

I love, I love, I love Your presence

I love, I love, I love You Jesus

I love, I love, I love Your presence

I have recently realized (alliteration,what!) that the ocean is a spectacular physical representation of God. I both fear and love the ocean, I both fear and love God. The ocean is bigger than I, more powerful than I. God is bigger than I, more powerful than I. I am in awe of the ocean's awesomeness, I am in awe of God's awesomeness. I am amazed by the ocean, I am amazed by God. I desire to be closer to the ocean, just as I desire to be closer to God.

Yes, there are a LOT of things the ocean can't do that God can.

But I feel PEACE when I'm in the presence of the ocean. The ocean is my biggest (literally) muse. The ocean is where I feel at home.

It amazes me that something so powerful and potentially violent can bring such peace to me.

I think I should go there soon.